The Silent Treatment - An Empty Conversation

The Silent Treatment - An Empty Conversation 

TW: Cursing, Death, Grief. 

Disclaimer: Language may be considered profane or explicit. Reader discretion advised. 

“This seat taken?” 

In the midst of my giggles, I shifted my seating position, giving you space so you could sit next to me. Your hand naturally found its way around your shoulder as you nudged my head to lean against yours. 

Two puzzle pieces finding each other, and settling in. 

“So I was thinking.” 

“Hm?” 

“Dinner tonight. What do you think about…curd…rice…and urga?” 

A chuckle escaped my breath as you did that thing that Alexander Hamilton did when he said his name during ‘My Shot,’ except it was with, well, ‘curd rice’ and ‘urga.’ 

“That’s your grand dinner idea.” 

“Hey, it’s a meal alright.” 

“Haha, you’re right, you’re right. Sounds perfect.” 

“You know, it’s crazy.” 

“What is?” 

“It’s crazy how happy you make me even when I feel like I’ll never smile again. It’s even crazier, that I'm talking to a version of you that only exists in my head.” 

The smile never left my lips, only the addition of a quiver, and the cascade of a tear. Well, several. Eventually, at least. A five minute staring contest with the piece of stone, brought about a generous waterfall. And you shared no sympathy, as you said,

“I don’t have anything to say to that. I didn’t wanna go. You know this.” 

“…It’s only what I think you’d say.” 

“You know this was never meant to happen. I’m sorry.” 

“Why us? Why… me?” 

“That Alex person seems nice.” 

“…What the f**k” 

“What?!” 

“I can’t believe you, of all people, are telling me to let someone in again. I might break up with them because of you.” 

“B*llsh*t. You won’t.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“You like ‘em WAY too much to break up. You know this.” 

“What do you know? You’ve been gone for two f*ckin years.” 

“I’m still your inner voice. You know you’re falling in love with them.” 

The waterfall was denser, and probably fell down my face heavier than the Niagara, knowing I wasn't getting an answer to my grief. There was none to acknowledge, none to receive it. It was just your stone, and I. We faced each other. 

“…I don't want to do this to you. I tried not to fall.” 

“You’re not doing anything wrong. I’m the one that died, it’s not on you. You didn’t ask for this to happen.”

“Shut the f*ck up.” 

There was no one to shut up. 

I don’t know, I thought saying it out loud would help me. This is the most I’ve ever been ignored.

“Love, I want you to…find love, again. I know there’s still love out there for you in this world.

There’s some of it left for you. and you’ll find it. Well, you kind of already have.” 

“You can’t possibly be okay with this” 

“I am. I don’t care if you’re with them or anyone, you’re still my number one.. Maybe, that wasn’t meant to be in this lifetime.” 

“Just come back.” 

“You have Alex now. Cherish them. You’re gonna be-” 

“SHUT UP. SHUT THE EVER LOVING F*CK UP. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TELL ME HOW TO I’M SUPPOSED TO FEEL FROM THERE. YOU’RE UP THERE ALL SNUGGLED UP AFTER YOU PACKED YOUR F*CKIN BAGS AND DECIDED EARTH WASN’T IT? WELL. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS TO BE HUMAN ANYMORE, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE THE ONE LEFT BEHIND. SO I DON’T WANNA HEAR BULLS*IT LIKE ‘I’LL BE FINE NOW THAT I HAVE ALEX.’ THEY MAY BE GREAT, OR AMAZING, OR WHATEVER THE F*CK, BUT THEY’LL NEVER BE YOU!!! THEY CAN’T, AND I CAN’T EXPECT THAT EITHER SO WHAT’S THE F*CKING POINT?!

“YOU KNOW, IF YOU REALLY CARED, YOU WOULD’VE TAKEN  ME WITH YOU, YOU CARELESS, IRRESPONSIBLE DUMBASS.”

“...You always forget the most important things. You went to give a lecture without your stupid presentation script. Why do you forget the most important things at home? If you’re going somewhere, take everything you know you’ll…need.” 

I think a few passerby’s passed me by. I remembered one woman covering her little boy’s ears. Another couple within earshot were just dumbfounded, I think. They probably thought I was crazy. Of course. Trying to talk to air is an arduous task. My out-of-breath panting and sniffles weren’t enough ice-breakers, apparently. 

Are you done?” 

“…You’re a d*ck.”

“Look, I’m not asking you to get over me if it's something you can’t do. I’m sorry, I really, really wish there was something I could do, or say, that’ll soothe any part of you.  Maybe, I don't know…you can…uhh… expand what love is to you. Like, the ambit of it…of your definition of love. There, yeah. You’re so loving, and so lovable, hon. I have never and will never take your love for granted, I promise. But, if your love…can include me in it, it could…possibly, maybe… include Alex too? Think about it.” 

“…But you were my person…and you’re not even real anymore. And stop doing that virtual hug hand motion, whatever, thing that you’re doing, it's getting kind of annoying now. ” 

The only response you could muster up, was no response at all. Silence. 

“How do I know any of this is what you’d actually tell me? You’re a figment of my imagination.” 

“Well… you don’t. Come on down to the Good Place and I’ll tell you all about it.” 

It’s crazy. It’s crazy how at the bottom of the barrel, I still found a crack that let in the slightest amount of white light. You’re in The good place. Yeah, this is all one big coping mechanism, but no, this is something you’d definitely say if you were still alive. 

Probably. 

“How is the good place? It’s real, isn’t it?” 

“Totally. I’m enjoying a nice, hot podi-dosa as we speak.” 

“Course you are. I’ll tell you all about it when I pass the test, babe. Who designed yours?”

“Tahani. I got lucky.” 

“B*tch. Wonder who’ll do mine.” 

“I guess you’ll have to find out.” 

A gentle wind. 

“You know I'll always love you.” 

You didn’t actually say it. It’s what I think you’d say, but I was… sure about it. I strongly believed in its truth. So maybe, I wasn’t all that crazy. I wasn't hearing voices. Well, not all the time, at least. Maybe, I did hear you through the leaves that danced in a silent harmony. Yeah. I heard you, in the long, but soon, comfortable silence. You were here. You never left. 

“…I’ll always love you too. Rest easy. I’ll…see you soon. Nice date, I guess.”

My conversation with your silent voice had never felt so f*ckin empty. And yet, so…serene. I slowly, and gradually with each passing minute, began to accept your silence. And I had nothing more to say to you, so I got up after giving you the roses you always bought me every date night, in return. And I walked away.